Dear Blog,
I am so entirely sorry I have treated you badly and haven't updated you with anything...but the thing is is that I've moved on. You did me so well, I promise I'll still update when I get the chance, but for now Tumblr is just easier to post on. I'll try and link the two together so you don't feel so neglected. Blog, you helped me through the dark times to see the light...I promise I'll come back to you, I just need some space.
Wow, I just wrote a letter to my blog...can you say crazy?
xoxox
allison
In fact, screw texting and all the weird relationship-boundary lines it draws. Call me. Yeah, I said it. Call me. What’s so terrible about actually talking on the phone? If you call me it shows you’ve got a personality and that you can hold a conversation. It shows me that if we do hang out its not going to be completely awkward. If you call me, you’ve already secured yourself a spot above the texters who only text when they’re bored, want ass, or need a “convenient friend.” I dare you, next time you want to talk to someone, call them instead of texting. I get sick of playing these dumb little games with boys. Either you want to talk to me or you don’t, but please don’t go around saying you’re “talking with me” when I haven’t heard from you in five days. I get bored easily with the texting that goes back and forth because I’m comparing it to someone that was an incredibly interesting texter and now I’m down to the whole “Hey what’s up, what are you doing” texts. Come one boys, let your personality shine through and say something interesting. Hit on me, tell me something insanely funny, talk about something worthwhile with me. I don’t mind starting the conversation off with a “Hey, what’s up,” but don’t let the entire conversation drag on like a dull movie. Ask me what my favorite color is, let’s talk about movies, tell me about what you want to do with your life, let’s talk about my insane fears of cats and asians…anything to keep me interested and knowing that you’re actually worth taking a chance on. I want to look forward to hearing from you and not dreading your texts. Oh, and don’t text lyke dis, or us the whole “r u” letter scheme thing. It shows me that you’re either lazy or that you actually think the word is spelled like that.
I’ve always wanted the answers to everything, the final closure on every relationship, and the last word in every argument. Finally, the world’s getting cruel on me. It’s failed to give me closure on something that I thought was incredibly important and I’m finally realizing why. I don’t need to know why it happened or why it failed. I’m feeling that this is the world’s way of saying get the hell over it, it’s not worth another thought or another second of your time. The world’s trying to tell me how beautiful I am, how strong I am, how I don’t deserve this. It’s telling me to open up my eyes and see what good came of the situation. The world’s trying to be positive about it all. i don’t even know why I’m writing about this in general because it’s over. I’m over it. It’s just plain over and there’s no going back.
I guess we can all agree that life’s about choices; your choice was to end it all. My choice now, is to forget you and your silly games.It’s not worth another second of my day. Thanks world, for opening up my eyes and seeing the truth. Life’s not easy and doesn’t always present the answers clearly, sometimes not at all. When the answer’s aren’t there, it’s for a reason.
I'd like to see our roles reversed,
to watch you hang on every word,
I'd like to see you have your way.
I keep my grammar well rehearsed,
correct each stutter, every slur,
come on and have your way with me.
For reason unknown to me, I started thinking about second chances. Why we give them away like its no big deal? For me, you’ve gotta deserve a second chance and honestly, there are people out their that will never get another opportunity. Regardless of whether we’re talking about relationships or friendships, I’m a firm believer that you must work for a second chance. Nothing’s easy in life so why should you be able to mess up everything and expect a warm and welcome return? People have become so lax about letting things “slide” or just not caring…why?! If someone hurts you or messes you up so badly that they cause you pain, why are you letting them back in your life? They’re coming back because it’s convenient for them. They’re lonely, their last fling fizzled, they’re bored, oh the possibilities are endless as to why they want back in. But do me a favor, think twice before you let them back in. There was a reason it didn’t work out before and history has a way of repeating itself. Don’t treat second chances like they aren’t valuable, make that person work for it. No one deserves to have it easy after they’ve hurt you. It’s as simple as that.
That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. But there was one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening. Right then…and every moment afterwards. Look, there. Now. Now. Now. What if our “forever” ends too soon? That question, along with numerous other ones, was asked in January with a few of my former best friends. We decided that there was so much we wanted to change about our lives, so much we wanted to accomplish and so much that we wanted to be that we needed to set a goal. This goal was a bucket list. It consisted of 150 “odds and ends” that we decided needed to be accomplished by the end of our senior year. We laughed while creating it, eating popcorn and debating which movie to watch. Some of the things listed were absolutely absurd, but the majority of them were completely reachable if we only worked just a little bit harder at what we wanted. They ranged from buying an easy bake oven to losing “it”. Honest to God, I believe that these 150 items were a checklist at finally living. Living our lives how we wanted to with no regard for the rules that life had selfishly imposed on us. We were so determined to go beyond the boundaries of our actual life that we picked things to accomplish that were supposed to be absurd. To me, that list defined our friendship, along with the smaller tidbits that made us who we were. I reached out to them last night, telling them that I found our bucket list. It seems to me that it brought us somewhat back to an understanding that even though our friendship didn’t weather the storm, they were still there. Call me crazy, but I’m finally starting again to believe that there is always a small ounce of goodness in someone. Regardless of the past and not looking towards the future, they, in that moment in time, came back. We acknowledged we didn’t even remember why it all happened. Just that it simply ended. Yes, that reasoning won’t take back all the tears that fell, all the days spent home from school attempting to sleep off my pain or even the numerous visits to Dr. Lang, but somehow it gave me closure on such a difficult time in my life. Our brilliant friendship was like the sun. It set and we were over, but as it rose we are slowly recognizing each other as people we want on our side when the world goes against us. I’d rather have you girls by my side than against me. After all we’ve been through, I think it’d break me. And for the record, let’s try the 150 again. Not necessarily together, but on our own. Let’s see what we can do before June 2011. I’ll unpin it from behind the numerous pictures and memories on my bulletin board in June. Here’s to a beautiful senior year.
Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.
+catcher in the rye.
What have I learned from human behavior? Ahh, let me tell you, I've learned more than you could imagine:
- Trust is hard to come by. Don't go trusting everyone, the number are against you that at least half the people you trust are going to let you down.
- Believing in people is similar to trust. Believe all you want, but truthfully, things are never what they seem.
- Sometimes you don't need an argument or anything to tear two people away from each other. It's up to you though to decide if you want to be the one picking up the pieces and putting them back together.
- Let it be. Take that how you want it, but just let people live their lives how they want to.
- Stop trying to please everyone. It's an uphill battle that's never ending. Its not worth your time or effort to try and be liked by everyone.
- Stand up for what you believe in, be prepared for opposition. Stand your ground and never give up.
- The human race looks for flaws. Be different and point out the good.
- Don't believe in karma? Hah. This isn't a religious topic at all, its the idea that what goes around comes around. Apply that theory to people around you and watch it all play out. Bet you'll believe in karma after that.
- People never notice anything. Yeah, they'll ask you what's wrong if you crying or if you're smiling ask why you're so happy but really, when have you taken a step back from the world and looked around? When's the last time you just took it all in and noticed everything?
I've got more but I can't sit here and rant all night about things I can't fix. It's depressing and makes me feel unaccomplished. I'm going to go and try to sleep off this bad mood.
stay classy cleveland, xoxo
i wish i could go back to late april or the entire month of may. that way, i could avoid everything that occurred and things would be the same. i would’ve never experienced crazy happiness only to be let down hard. life would be so much easier if i could change may. everything that went down in may i’m not ok with. if only i could change it, swallow my pride and sort it all out with those that i thought meant the most to me i could be looking at a different life. i’m not so sure i would want that though. i’m content with how things are right now with certain people. i had hopes for may, but once again i got let down. i should be used to this type of thing, but naturally i’m not. its crazy that a friendship of two years and a fling of three weeks all ended in a single week. i knew the friendship was gone, but it seemed that may just finalized it all. would i really want to be friends with you again and be terribly miserable..no, probably not. but there are still certain things that i do, or places that i go to, or music that comes up on the radio that bring back those memories of that brilliant friendship that ended so sourly. we never even had a falling out, it just seemed gradual. we fell apart and away from each other and never cared to put the pieces back. i wish i could’ve changed may, but instead, may changed me.
"you can spend minutes, hours, days, w
--tupac
so right.
*I've decided to repost this from my tumblr:Have you ever hit it off so well with someone you’ve wondered why you’ve never crossed paths before? I’m starting to firmly believe that people come in and out of our life for a certain purpose. Some people are here to teach you friendship, or here to help you understand heartbreak,to help you deal with disappointment or loss. Maybe they’re here to show you how to love unconditionally, how to stare down fear in the eye. Of course, the majority of people who you cross paths with are here to help you laugh and create happiness. I can say with certainty that every single person who has come into my life and exited has taught me a lesson.
(815):Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Legit kid won't leave me alone. Why me?
Just a brief update of my life:
- I worked yesterday and something fantastic happened. A little mexican boy pulled the fire alarm! We had to get all of our customers out of the store and evacuate from the mall. Once we saw that there was no fire, we went back inside to an angry security director who said we didn't do the right thing by locking our doors. So you're telling me that we were supposed to leave a clothing store, full of merchandise, unlocked? My managers were not happy with this crazy man. Then the fire chief came. He said we did the right thing. Solid.
- Then we had the AE picnic. It was fun and crazy.
- Anthony, Taylor, Ben, and I went to the St. Gabes festival afterward and we made fun pf everyone that was there. And then we saw a sales associate of ours with a cowboy hat on.
Yayy for crazy times at work.
People act strange. They bring up stuff you don't want to talk about in front of people that it isn't worth discussing; they ask someone if they're constantly mad at them when its obvious you're not; they get pissed off at the smallest things; but why?
You only hurt yourself and push people farther away with the questions and the awkward timing. It's just how it's gonna be. There's no bitchiness on the line, no exclusion, no nothing. We've all been the same since day one, maybe its the nagging that's grown overboard. We did something, it's not like you guys don't have other friends to hang out with, we aren't leaving you in the dark, deserted, corner.
If you think we're mad, man, you've never seen us be the bitches we've proven we can be.
So chill out, its summer, don't freak out, and don't be jealous.
On completely different subjects:
- my health seems to be deteriorating at an alarming fast rate.
- he texted me last night, naturally I did not respond.
- Boys who are clingly and text me the same message three times are surely never going to get another response back from me.
- So there's this girl thats "talking" to this boy, who totally thinks that he's in to her. Alas, it happened to me, be careful sweetheart, but really, we don't care at all. We all know it's NOT gonna happen, come out of your fantasy world.
- Friends with benefits? GAHHHHH, wtf.
- Facebook seems annoying lately.
- I want a hot chocolate from Bellasano's right now.
Stayyy classy cleveland, xoxoxox
just wanted to give an update on how screwed up my life has become:
- I went to the dentist today. I floss and brush 2-3x a day, yet I still get a cavity. So, throughout the rest of the day today and tomorrow, my mouth is/will be numb and in pain. I can't do anything and now I'm sitting here, with a killer headache and the right side of my face is unresponsive. I love the dentist...NOT
- I've been waiting for the mail to come the last few days because I want my report card. I know, I sound like one of those nerds who no one talks to. I promise I have friends, I just need to see my grades! It's killing me ugh!
- The mail arrives, my sister goes out and grabs it. There's a mysterious package...so naturally I decided to open it. Here's the kicker. Its a fricken bottle, with a message rolled up inside. What the hell. First off, who sends messages in a bottle via fed-ex? Second off, why a message in a bottle? Do you know how expensive that must have been? Third, it had SPARKLES. Sparkles. ALL OVER THE SECRET MESSAGE AND THE BOTTLE. Fourth, why send a message in a bottle when we live by a lake and the only people to pass us messages would be the Canadians who wish they were us? Fifth,it was a save the date for some wedding in the Outer Banks. (I answered my own question.) gahh, what has the world come to? and to think, I actually got excited about the dumb bottle until I realized how stupid an idea it actually was.
- I had to drop off my sister to her friend Kaitlin's house. In Newbury. 30 minutes away. With a splitting headache. To make matters even more ironic and screwed up, this girl has a brother who graduated who dated a girl who hooked up with the same kid I did. So messed up. Thanks karma.
- Now I'm studying for the ACT, which I have on Saturday...and some kid I haven't talked to in two months texts me wanting to hang out. WHY? What provokes someone to do something so random?
- I see reminders of my "past" everywhere. It's painful, nevertheless, inevitable.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and I couldn't even manage to talk to her for an hour. Forty five minutes and we ended the session. Yet I can type and type and type for hours on this damn blog.
- I miss my mom. She hasn't been home since Sunday.
- I need to find a nice boy. Not an asshole. Or a creepy boy. Or any other negative quality you can think of...
- I really, really, really want ice cream from DQ right now, preferably a small vanilla cone dipped in chocolate, (which I just learned was actually chocolate flavored wax from maggie) but I don't have any points left.
This is what happens when I can't speak. I ramble, ramble, ramble about everything.
Stayy classy cleveland, xoxoxox
all the random music that comes up on my iPod now is too painful to listen to, it reminds me of you.
the whole thing is still a raw wound that has yet to be covered up, friend.
oh and just a heads up, every thing's easy when you never have to choose.
Drop your guard, you don't have to be smart all of the time/
I got a mind full of blanks/
I need to go somewhere new fast/
And don't be shy, oh no, at least deliberately/
No one really cares or wanders why anymore/
Oh I got music, coming outta my hands and feet and kisses/
That is how it once was done/
All the dreamers on the run/
Forgive them even if they are not sorry
here's music from lindsay, she likes this song and just bought the entire album, yayyy lindsay.
i'm gonna take her to beachwood now and she's gonna buy me lunch
ahahahahah
Stay classy cleveland, xoxoxo
man i don't know, where the time goes/
but it sure goes fast, just like that/
we were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue/
with our rock n' roll t-shirts, and our typically bad attitudes/
had no excuses for the things that we'd done/
we were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly young/
young, hey wishin' we were older, wish it wasn't over/
I want time to stop in its tracks.
"oh yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of livin is gone."
Jammin out to this song last night while driving home with Maggie, it made me realize how much I've grown up. When I was younger, John Mellencamp, Night Ranger, .38Special, Jimmy Buffet, Meatloaf, Fleetwood Mac, Triumph, Prince, James Taylor, and Journey was the music that I was exposed to. Many kids now would listen to this music and become bored and say that it sucks. Too much of that ghetto shit has corrupted them. I'm not here though, to go off on a tangent about ghetto shit because I also listen to it, just not as much. I'm here to pose this question
What makes us inclined to like a certain type of music?
Is it that the song is relatable? I'd have to agree with that, the majority of my music is grouped into playlists depending on my emotion or what I'm doing.
Maybe we like the song just for the song? I'm sure that many of the teenagers these days don't read into the message of every song they listen to or like.
I believe that the songs we choose attempt to bring us to a certain state of mind. Whether this "state of mind" is one that takes us back to the long drive to Myrtle Beach, or the open road with your best friend on a hot summer night, or the "night moves" with another person, music is one thing that attempts to bond the human race. It can be considered to be the great connection between people. Many friendships and relationships start off as "oh you like _____? ahh me too!"
I'm not sure why or how this post got music based, because that wasn't my aim and what I wanted to write about for this post. But hey, it works. I'm just gonna leave it at that.
stayy classy cleveland, xoxoxoxo
Somehow, I outsmart myself and look out for myself without even realizing it. How does this happen? Have I just trained myself to think a certain way and this behavior is just habit? Why, why, why?
I keep realizing more and more about life.
- People who have hurt you in the past deserve second chances.
- Boys who screw you over will never earn that coveted second attempt at anything.
- People are actually open to others after all the drama and shit have been cleared up.
- Feelings get hurt, you bury them deep down inside and they bug the shit outta you till you say something.
- Karma seriously is the one thing you need to rid your self of.
- I'm proud of my scars, they're my past failures. If something doesn't work out, it wasn't supposed to at this point in time.
- Just because it fell apart now doesn't mean it wasn't supposed to happen eventually. Let the circumstances be right, forcing anything will only hurt you.
- Everything will be alright, thank you horoscope.
And finally:
the world can be an unfair place at times,
but your lows will have their compliment of highs, and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of or beat you, raise your head and wear your wounds with pride
*On a more comical note, I almost got my ass kicked yesterday by a trashy black chick. Good God I was so terrified but it felt good to finally say something and stick up for myself. Bitches don't mess with me. *
I think I'm gonna go watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, such a fabulous movie. Minus the fact that I only have it on vhs and must watch it in the basement, alone...so scary. Oh welll:
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. - - -Ferris
xoxoxoxo |
Gahhhhh! Sorry for all the music posts lately... but those songs seem to perfectly sum up my life right now. I've had an overflow of emotions in just the last week. What happened last week won't be discussed on here though. Those who are close to me know what happened and it really doesn't have to become "public knowledge." Let's just say liars are the worst type of breed. That's it, I'll stop myself before I divulge everything...
So go listen to those songs, figure it all out. I'm sure you'll be able to. I've got no doubt in my mind.
I should be studying APUSH right now, but the summer sun and the warm weather is beckoning me to go outside and enjoy it. Ahh Lisa would kill me right now if she knew I wasn't studying. I've got three days of exams and then I'm free! This summer is looking up with new friends, new boys, work, concerts, actually reading books I enjoy, partying, tanning. There's so much more to include and I could ramble forever about summer. I'm in love with summer. Seriously, life couldn't get any better than it is right now.
Finally, the most fun I think I'll have this summer with a few girls is pulling a John Tucker Must Die. Yeahhh, watch out boys, it's on.
stay classy cleveland, xoxoxo
Let's all stay young forever ♥
acoustic version is 10x better:
Streetwalker knows how to strut right/
She knows the truth/
Bad boys walking through the corridor/
God knows what they're gonna do/
She knows the truth/
Bad boys walking through the corridor/
God knows what they're gonna do/
Oh why can't I feel for you?/
They lie, what can I do?/
They lie, what can I do?/
I can see you yes I can/
I can feel you holding my hand/
Left at first and down to third/
I swear my heart will burst/
Looking for a place to go/
Keep on moving fast and slow/
As the crowds follow my path/
I know this isn't* going to last/
I can feel you holding my hand/
Left at first and down to third/
I swear my heart will burst/
Looking for a place to go/
Keep on moving fast and slow/
As the crowds follow my path/
I know this isn't* going to last/
in the last four days, i've come to realize that everything will work out in the end. i can't act like a drama queen and expect things to work out for me, i must stay calm and classy. life's got me on a crazy rollercoaster but i know that eventually the bumps and hills will smooth out.
i've just gotta believe, think positively, and never let anyone bring me down.
those are the secrets to happiness right there, live by it.
leaving comments marked as anonymous seems cowardly.
but if you "guys" are happy to see me "happy" again, great.
xoxoxo
The title to this post has nothing to do with this post besides the phrase, "Everything is going to the beat." That beat would be the beat of happiness. (Lame, I know...) I don't even know where to start, it seems to me that finally everything is working out. Friends, others, work, school, it's all falling into place. Those girls whom I won't name any names look miserable when they go out, much to the enjoyment of others. I've never felt this type of happiness and togetherness that I've been feeling. I barely have two more weeks of school and then I'll be free for the summer.
This seems to be just another useless ramble, but here's the music for thursday that I missed:
I'll update more later, when I've got more to write about.
Stayyyclassy ;)
Well, he came back. And I want to be on the record for saying that I called it. He didn't get the answer he was hoping for this time though. I don't feel bad at all, he had his chance. It sucks to be him, but he's the one who's mising out now, not me.
Oh if only he would read this and the other post about him. I've resisted communication with him with my better judgement, but I'd love to know if it was good? Was it all you ever hoped it would be? Good. I'm glad you wasted so many months of mine and hers. Grow up and get out of my life, forever.
Next time, think about what you're doing.
I haven't felt this happy since last year.
thanks, although you have no idea you did anything at all.
philosophy: falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others. it begins with falling in love with ourselves. loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul, and your body, and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another.call me a cynic, but love seems so far fetched in a world of hatred--but hey, it all depends on who could be loving you...
"The giving up is the hardest part."Goodbye. You proved to me last night that its over, for good and forever. You really had me fooled though for the past three months, I give you credit for that. You knew how to pull on my heart and get me to actually like you. You said its not fair, now that you've got a "girl" I come back to you and now you don't know what to do. I kept telling you to choose, but you said we wanted different things. That was a blatant lie and you know it. Truly, I think you forgot who you were talking to; you know what type of girl I am, and you know what type of girl she is. I never would've expected it from you, but I guess they're right when they say high school changes people. Hell, it's changed you so much I wouldn't even know what to say to you. You've made your choice, whether you intended to choose or not. You're the one who's missing out now. Hope it works out well with her, me and you both know its not going to. If you even think about coming back "to me" don't. I'm not wasting another second on you. You might think I'm always a sure thing, come back to Al when you're bored and done. Not this time. I'm done, you're out. Its been more than three strikes and I'm tired of this. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'm just gonna go find another you.
This week I've got two new "artists" to share.. The first guy is Kevin Cossom, he's pretty good, kinda has that laid back type R&B style. Second kid is Greyson Chance; he was just on Ellen today for covering Lady Gaga's paparazzi. He has the potential to turn all Justin Beiber on us, but I'm thinking that won't be case...at least I hope not.Check them out:
Friday night I'm going nowhere/All the lights are changing green to red/Turning over TV stations/Situations running through my head/Looking back through time/You know it's clear that I've been blind/I've been a fool/To open up my heart/To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridiculeIf you want it, come and get it.giving up isn't the desired response,yet it seems to be the only way.
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xoxoalgeestay classy cleveland